What Do You Believe You Deserve?
“YOU ONLY ACCEPT THE LOVE YOU BELIEVE YOU DESERVE” -STEPHAN CHBOSKY
I believe the above quote can be expanded into “You only accept into your life what you believe you deserve.” I have listened to so many heartbreaking stories about the situations people experience in their careers, relationships with their partner, other family members, or friends and am sensing a common theme- the only reason they accept this inferior way of living is because they believe, on some level, this is what they deserve.I know this because I’ve been there. Wounds of the past, that initially injured that part of us, have never fully healed, so these experiences continue to re-injure or trigger those same areas. Sadly there is something almost comfortable about it-it’s what we know. What if the wounds were properly healed or we had the awareness and compassion to provide powerful and healthy protection to those tender places? Maybe then we would hold up our hands and say “THAT’S ENOUGH! I deserve more than this! I deserve to be unconditionally loved, respected, successful, happy, and above all, to truly express all that I am!”
WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE
The picture of a person caught in this “undeserving” belief can’t be explained like a list of characteristics given to a police sketch artist. They come in all shapes, sizes, sexual orientations, ethnicities, spiritual beliefs, ages, and socio-economical backgrounds. They don’t even necessarily look unhappy. It may manifest subtlety or intensely. On the subtle end of the spectrum, a person may feel moments of sadness, restlessness, mild irritability or anxiety. They may be perfectionists, high achievers, busy bodies, unmotivated, people who “play small” or who are codependent; always taking care of everyone else. Addictions are also common when someone feels like they are undeserving. When it comes down to it, for most people, it’s not if you have an addiction but which addiction. Maybe it’s social media, shopping, exercise, alcohol, cleaning, watching movies-it’s endless. For many, these things are not an issue- the problem lies in where the desire is rooted. Specifically, what was the trigger, what is thought will be obtained, the quickly fading satisfaction, and then often, the quilt. The more intense manifestations may be extreme anger, major depression or suicidal tendencies, severe anxiety, manipulation and controlling of others or just going numb. Although I would NEVER wish for anyone to experience any of the aforementioned issues, they are indicators to show us something isn’t right and therefore we NEED to pay attention!
WHAT DOES IT SOUND LIKE
We have all heard it and probably have said something similarly submissive such as, “I’m fine”, “It’s okay”, or “I can live with it”. On the other hand, there can be endless complaining about this or that and then undeserving is disguised as “buts”: “I hate my job, but I don’t think I’ll find anything else” or “I’m so unhappy in my relationship, but I don’t want to end up alone” or “I want to be in better shape, but I just don’t have the time to exercise”. The issue is acknowledged but we sabotage ourselves before we even try and we can make it sound really legit and even responsible if we are good at it. What we don’t realize is the extremely high cost we are paying when we continue to live this way- it’s dreams not fulfilled, health compromised, pain and suffering for not only yourself but those you care about, and the loss of your gifts being shared with the world, of which is invaluable!
WHAT KEEPS US STUCK IN UNDESERVING
There are a million ways in which we keep ourselves stuck and miles away from healing! One popular but ineffective method is blame. Yes, no doubt there are many possible people to point a finger at, and rightly so, but to rely on their change or their acknowledgment of wrong doing will only keep you in the past and outside of yourself, both being far away from where your power lies! Humans, especially in this day and age are also very proficient at distracting themselves. It’s easy to do with family obligations, friends, careers, volunteer opportunities, activities and projects galore! I would guess that every person on this planet has tried that technique numerous times without much lasting success. See the thing is, even if you think you’ve tuck it way down under the covers, it has a way of sneaking out at your weakest moments. Whatever the mechanism used, the hidden belief is you are undeserving of something different that what is in your current life.
HOW TO SHIFT INTO DESERVING
You may be asking, “How do I heal the part of me that is convinced I don’t deserve a, b, or c?” The answer is- YOU DO THE WORK! This healing is YOUR job, dear one! It isn’t your partner’s, your parent’s, or your best friend’s job to convince you of your worth, your lovability, your beauty, your intelligence, or your power. I am not saying that support and encouragement from those in your life aren’t wonderful things, but they are “extras”, not the determining factor of your well-being. It is within YOU, but you have to be willing to take responsibility for it. First, you need to bring awareness to it. You shine the light right in its eyes and say “I SEE YOU!” This immediately gives it less power. Then, you bring in the truth of the situation, compassion, and forgiveness through connecting with your True Self, your Spiritual Connection, or whatever your definition of a higher knowing is. Next, it’s time to get clear about your vision for your future- What do you really want in your life? Then you make a commitment to making it happen. Finally, you take the first step. This, of course, is a condensed version, but it is enough to give you an idea of the process. Even in deciding if you want to do this work, you come face to face with whether or not you are worth it! Imagine the possibilities; a career you love that brings in an abundant income, amazing fulfilling relationships, feeling great about your body, knowing you are living your purpose, having incredible experiences, feeling connected to, guided and supported by your Spiritual Self, being filled with intense joy, and, above all, true expression of your spirit! The only thing that truly keeps you from the life you want is deeply believing you deserve it!
THIS IS BIG!
It really is beyond this relationship, this job, this body or even this life- it is about what we leave behind; our children, their children, and this planet! I believe the Universe/God (Insert your version) wants every being to be happy and living their Truth, not only because it is a recipe for peace, but also because you are needed! It isn’t a mistake that you feel passionate about health, those in poverty, sustainability, art, animals, music, education etc. Those passions were gifts given to you with the hope that you will take them and make the world better in some way. You don’t need to know why or even be concerned with the end result-just do it with all the integrity you can muster.
The “work” is not easy. There is not a pill you can take to heal the wounds you bare, but I believe, because of my personal experiences and with my clients, that there are incredible techniques that do support this healing. In my upcoming blogs I will walk you through the various aspects and tools of this process, so stayed tuned because…